Lotta 'Bout Nadda

    Looking through a bunch of my old documents on my computer, I stumbled upon a bunch of my old assignments that I had to do throughout college. One of the ones that stood out was a piece I had to do as part of a creative writing final project my freshmen year. It’s pretty funny and please excuse any lack of writing technique. T’was a long time ago.

How the Jovie Became a National Phenomenon

The two finger peace sign. The high five. The thumbs up. The middle finger. What do they all have in common? They are just some of the many gestures of endearment, in some way or another, that have been permanently adopted by the American culture. Although these signs have been embedded and become a form of common communication for decades, there is an up and coming national phenomenon that arose in a small suburban New York town that has taken the people of the world,  and their armpits, by storm. The Jovan, named after Jovan Perez, is the new thing to do and can be seen anywhere in America these days.  

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      I was out to dinner with my family the other day when I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation that was going on at the table next to ours. It was some pointless nonsense about one of the women’s daughter having a tough time making friend studying abroad. What really caught my attention was one of the names of the ladies at that table. Sally. The only Sally I know is Sally Fields, the actress, and the character Meg Ryan plays. I’ve never met an actual Sally in my life. I don’t even think there’s a Sally in a 100 mile radius that’s even my age.

     That’s when I really started spacing out and thinking of uncommon, used to be common, names. There are so many names that have just become, in a sense, outdated and out of style, especially due to film, literature, and pop culture.

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• Movie Concerts - Katy Perry’s got a new movie coming out… and it’s a concert. I don’t understand these movies one bit. Michael Jackson’s concert movie was a hit, but that was a posthumous tribute thing so I guess that one’s justified. The Beibs and Miley Cyrus one? Just another way for those little ingenious fucks to cash another check. I know some people who actually say that the Beiber movie is good and talk about how talented they perceive him now. You need to watch a movie about a recording artist to realize he’s talented? Ridiculous. Nonetheless, I hate when people talk in movies, so why would I pay money to have some herbs behind me singing the lyrics to Firework? Don’t get it one bit.
• Unnecessary Tans - Your skin shouldn’t be darker than your hair. It’s weird that the girls that do this don’t think it’s weird. 

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 People, the zombie apocalypse is coming…. eventually. Actually, who honestly knows. The concept of zombies are so ridiculous yet common that we’ve seen every single type of situation with every form of zombie. Whether it’s anything by George A. Romero, the Resident Evil franchise, or The Walking Dead, there’s been so many zombie affiliated movies, shows, and books that there’s no reason for someone not to be able to survive. Of course, many of you have seen the movie ‘Zombieland’ and will abide by those rules, which like the movie are flawless. But those rules are the guidelines to go by once you’ve already survived the initial epidemic. So for those of you who are mentally incapable of running away or not understanding what a deceased person approaching you is capable of, here’s a starter kit on how to survive the impending zombie apocalypse on the first edition of Advice Corner.

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    It’s not like the question isn’t warranted. Not so long ago, Adam Sandler was one of the bright spots in comedy and one of the highest paid actors in the process. His films were random, raunchy, and hilarious. Today, people still regard Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and The Waterboy to be some of their favorite and funniest movies they’ve seen.

    About 14 years after The Waterboy hit theaters, only one thing has changed: Adam Sandler is no longer a consistent bright spot in theatrical comedy. Oh he’s still one of the highest paid actors, but the quality of his movies lately are complete and utter and shit. Let’s take a look at movies that he has starred in since ‘The Waterboy’ came out in 1998:

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     For those of you who haven’t caught on, I’m a guy. 90% of my conversations involve the opposite sex in one sense or another. Whether it’s critiquing them or just flat out exclaiming things I’d like to do to them, no woman (famous, ordinary, or muggle) are exempt. So begins the ‘The Lake Bell Dilemma’.

     My buddies Sasso (who used to go by Ron) and White Sinbad absolutely LOVE Lake Bell. If you’re not familiar with her work, she was the female lead in HBO’s recently canceled “How To Make It In America” (Thank god!) as well as having

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