Advice Corner: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

 People, the zombie apocalypse is coming…. eventually. Actually, who honestly knows. The concept of zombies are so ridiculous yet common that we’ve seen every single type of situation with every form of zombie. Whether it’s anything by George A. Romero, the Resident Evil franchise, or The Walking Dead, there’s been so many zombie affiliated movies, shows, and books that there’s no reason for someone not to be able to survive. Of course, many of you have seen the movie ‘Zombieland’ and will abide by those rules, which like the movie are flawless. But those rules are the guidelines to go by once you’ve already survived the initial epidemic. So for those of you who are mentally incapable of running away or not understanding what a deceased person approaching you is capable of, here’s a starter kit on how to survive the impending zombie apocalypse on the first edition of Advice Corner.

     Quick note: This advice is only useful for a zombie apocalypse closely resembling The Walking Dead, Zombieland, Dawn of the Dead or any of the older zombie movies. If the zombie apocalypse resembles any of the following films/tv show/etc, you’re more than likely completely fucked: Resident Evil (Government is involved. Good luck fighting them along ridiculous zombies); 28 Days Later (Yeah, you’re fucked.); I am Legend (They’re not really zombies. More like night cannibal people things. Nonetheless, if you can’t find a good place to hide at night after 12 hours of daylight, then you deserve to get eaten.)

  1. Unless you’re at ground zero of the initial breakout, there’s no reason for you to die. There’s is absolutely NO excuse for getting bitten unless you’re at ground zero. Once the zombie apocalypse breaks out, it’s going to be all over the place. News, Radios, Facebook statuses and Tweets. Don’t be the idiot that walks down a street, sees it completely abandoned with cars turned over and fire hydrants knocked over and doesn’t think anything of it. Once the first wave of news breaks, be ready.
  2. Zombies don’t throw punches. No zombie is going to come up to you and floor you with an upper cut or roundhouse kick. They’re uncoordinated and dumbasses. Just think of them as sloppy guys/girls at a bar that are all over you with the drunk hunch. If it’s one on one, a quick crack to the face is good and be out. Any more and move, move, move. PS. Don’t hesitate to pull a Ray Rice. A zombies limbs are like baby carrots, they snap easy. A nice juke here and there and you’ll be home free. Just don’t go Tim Hightower-ing it and try to be all fancy only to end up 10 yards back from where you started with 5 zombies chomping on your thighs. 
  3. Get a car. Not a convertible. A car. Just because money has lost it’s value doesn’t mean you should be balling out in a Bentley convertible. Protect yourself people!
  4. Get guns.. and get lots of them. BUT REMEMBER, they’re always a last resort. Zombies are attracted to noise and it’d be pretty stupid to shoot one when you can just easily beat it to death with a bat. Quick kill weapons like bats, hammers, pipes, etc. are the way to go for quick and close combat. And if you wanna make up for the balling out you sacrificed by choosing to drive around a Toyota Camry instead of a Bentley, find a sword. You’ll fill that chub right back up.
  5. Head shots, heads shots, head shots! I can’t stress this enough. Do not waste your energy on shots or blows to any other part of the body. These are dead people, people! As in they’re already dead. As in a shot to the stomach is not going to make them bleed out.
  6. Don’t be a Steve Glandsberg. Hit up your family and friends and meet up if possible. The more people you have, the better protected you’ll be.
  7. Help people, but remember to help yourself. Don’t allow every straggling person you find along the road into your survival group, especially if they have some suspicious wounds. The last thing you want is for the person you picked up turning into a zombie sitting shotgun in your car.
  8. But remember, the zombie apocalypse always boost sexual appeal. Wendy Peffercorn may not have thought you were hot back in high school, but if the only guys in your group are you and Sal, the old Italian guy you rescued from the bathroom at the Getty station down the street, you’ll be a regular Gosling to her in no time.
  9. Find a Costco, Wal-Mart, BJ’s, etc. Department stores are built like warehouses meaning there are hardly windows and entrances are rare and gated off. Plus they’re stocked with food and other useful supplies. These are ideal places to make a base camp and scour the area for more survivors.
  10. Finally, and most morally important, do not let irrational behaviors and reactions of your every day life carry on into the apocalypse. If your friend called you a bitch or someone owes you $20 bucks, let it go. Don’t hold an underlying grudge against someone and make them go get firewood themselves because chances are that’s the last time you’ll see them.

   Live by these rules and the chances are you’ll survive the first wave of the zombie outbreak. If not, then I’ll be sure to put your soulless body to rest once you’re infected and come after me. It’s the least I can do.