Lotta 'Bout Nadda

Buzzfeed.com's Absolute Worst Things in the World (Couldn't agree more with this list)

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 21:42:37 -0400

Buzzfeed.com's Absolute Worst Things in the World (Couldn't agree more with this list)

How the Jovie Became a National Phenomenon

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 14:40:10 -0400

Looking through a bunch of my old documents on my computer, I stumbled upon a bunch of my old assignments that I had to do throughout college. One of the ones that stood out was a piece I had to do as part of a creative writing final project my freshmen year. It’s pretty funny and please excuse any lack of writing technique. T’was a long time ago.

How the Jovie Became a National Phenomenon

The two finger peace sign. The high five. The thumbs up. The middle finger. What do they all have in common? They are just some of the many gestures of endearment, in some way or another, that have been permanently adopted by the American culture. Although these signs have been embedded and become a form of common communication for decades, there is an up and coming national phenomenon that arose in a small suburban New York town that has taken the people of the world, and their armpits, by storm. The Jovan, named after Jovan Perez, is the new thing to do and can be seen anywhere in America these days.

It all started in the small suburban town of Pelham in Westchester, NY. Well, it actually is a village. . But anyways, it was the fall of 2001 and 8th graders were frolicking amongst each other about the latest Nextel cell phones, North Face bubble jackets and American idol winners at the Pelham Middle School. It was the fourth period lunch break and after eating, all the kids were let out to congregate amongst each other in the opened up soccer field at the back of the school. The eighth grade boys were enjoying a game of kill the carrier, a game where the object to beat the shit out of whichever kid is holding a ball before he lets it go and another person picks it up. Then you fuck him up too. Well, as the boys played, history lurked in the distance as Jovan Perez had the ball and was running madly around the field.

Eventually, Jovan’s was caught and of the people who hit him the hardest, Kevin Lorenzo O’Connor was the one to be singled out by Jovan. Known amongst his friends as Kloco, he ran off with the ball in the opposite direction where he left Jovan laying. Jovan looked up with a look a fury as if his last McDonald’s nugget was unjustly swiped. He got up quickly and ran at a curved angle resembling a vulture. Gaining a surprisingly amount of speed in vengeance, Jovan circled Kloco with redemption on his mind. What I failed mention was that Kloco was the grade bully and local town offender, often getting in trouble for stupid shit. Some of his regular antics were included throwing water balloons at cop cars, trying to buy cookies with counterfeit money, or, the best of all, gluing quarters to the floor to watch the school lunch ladies try and pick them up.

As Jovan rapidly approached Kloco, the ball was stripped from Kloco’s grip leaving him ball-less and out in the open. As he stood there trying to catch his breath, Jovan approached. With a heart full of determination, Jovan lifted up Kloco’s arm and swiftly chopped him in the armpit. Now instead of yelling something obscene or even roaring for that matter, Jovan chirped out one word: “Jovie!” With nothing more or nothing less, Jovan ran off quickly into the crowd. In a state of shock and far from pain, but more disbelief, Kloco laughed. He had no idea what was just done to him and it more amused him than hurt him. And as soon as the game was done on the walk home, his friends felt the same way. Jovan, however, did not feel the same way and was more scared than Kloco. Instead of attempting to tackle Kloco or even hurt him for that matter, he armpit chopped him. All he did was pray that night that Kloco had forgotten about it or didn’t tell any of his friends since they had tendency on making fun of stupid petty shit like Manhattan clam chowder and jorts.

Jovan arrived to school the next day with his head down and no intention of running into Kloco. Things didn’t work out as planned. While exchanging books and fixing his locker, Kloco passed him while his arm was up and chopped him the way Jovan did the previous day. “Jovie,” Kloco happily yelled as he laughed and walked by. Stunned by his own weapon, Jovan stood there in an empty hallway thanking God that no one else was there to see that. That didn’t really go as planned either. Math class: 2 attempts from the kids that sat near him. Music class: 4 attempts from the two guys and girls that were in the back row. Even a teacher made an attempt while he was taking a sip of water. Trying to ‘Jovan’ Jovan became a challenge and a daily task for many a student. Horrified by the monster he created, Jovan made it clear that he would never be Jovied by anyone ever.

However, people stopped trying to Jovie Jovan and just began doing it amongst themselves. Even a cardinal rule emerged as it became a trend amongst the kids in Pelham. If a Jovie were to be caught, the Jovier must give the Jovie-e the privilege of “free double joving him/her from the back” in which the Jovie-e would thrust both of their hands into both of the Jovier’s armpits as he holds his arm out in crucifixion form. Many people have even started using foreign objects to Jovie a person. Broomsticks, loaves of breads, notebooks, you name it. And as simple as that, it spread across Pelham eventually to the whole county of Westchester. And from Westchester to New York. New York to the New England Area. And so forth. Senators have even been seen Joving each other in between speeches. Word has even spread to South America where the Jovie was actually outlawed in Guatemala after a migrant worker tried double Joving his coworker with two machetes not thinking of the consequences.

What became the simple act of revenge was now a national trend and phenomenon that doesn’t seem to be dying down soon. And what happened of its two rival founders? Well, Kloco was given the key to New York City, lost 45 pounds due to cocaine and the dirty hot dog water used by New York City street vendors, and is now the spokesman for Corndog Cereal. Jovan lives in a new town of Westchester with a new name (Clifford Alvarez) and with nothing to live for but The Apprentice on Monday nights and Disco Glow in the Dark bowling on Saturday nights at the local alley. These two will never truly realize what they created, for the Jovan has no limits. And who knows, maybe the Jovie will go worldwide, universal, or even intergalactic. We’ll just have to wait and see, but remember: Always protect your pits!

R.I.P. Bad Names

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 14:04:17 -0400

I was out to dinner with my family the other day when I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation that was going on at the table next to ours. It was some pointless nonsense about one of the women’s daughter having a tough time making friend studying abroad. What really caught my attention was one of the names of the ladies at that table. Sally. The only Sally I know is Sally Fields, the actress, and the character Meg Ryan plays. I’ve never met an actual Sally in my life. I don’t even think there’s a Sally in a 100 mile radius that’s even my age.

That’s when I really started spacing out and thinking of uncommon, used to be common, names. There are so many names that have just become, in a sense, outdated and out of style, especially due to film, literature, and pop culture. I can’t even tell you how many babies I know of named Bella because of their mother’s obsession with Twilight (I actually know of two, but I’m sure there are hundreds, maybe thousands). People sweat the Hunger Games too so I’m sure there will be a wave of little girls name Katniss as well. Me personally, I have a few names in mind all deriving from characters in literature I’ve read over time (Hint: Game of Thrones & The Virgin Suicides). Of course there will be those people paying homage to their family members and resurrecting a name for them through their child, but all in all, times are changing and so are names. So unless you give birth to an 80 year old woman, I suggest you refrain from calling her Doris. Let’s have a moment of silence for some of the names that were once popular for girls that will eventually die out with time:

Sally
Doris
Ethel
Esther
Thelma
Donna
Ruth
Geraldine
Patsy
Darlene
Dolores
Glenda
Mildred
Sylvia
Louise
Kay
Roberta

100 Greatest Movie Insults Some of the best and funniest lines...

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 00:39:17 -0400

100 Greatest Movie Insults

Some of the best and funniest lines in some of the greatest scenes from some mediocre and great movies.

First Edition: Hate It or Love it

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 15:47:00 -0400

First of many…

Hate

Movie Concerts - Katy Perry’s got a new movie coming out… and it’s a concert. I don’t understand these movies one bit. Michael Jackson’s concert movie was a hit, but that was a posthumous tribute thing so I guess that one’s justified. The Beibs and Miley Cyrus one? Just another way for those little ingenious fucks to cash another check. I know some people who actually say that the Beiber movie is good and talk about how talented they perceive him now. You need to watch a movie about a recording artist to realize he’s talented? Ridiculous. Nonetheless, I hate when people talk in movies, so why would I pay money to have some herbs behind me singing the lyrics to Firework? Don’t get it one bit.
Unnecessary Tans - Your skin shouldn’t be darker than your hair. It’s weird that the girls that do this don’t think it’s weird.
Modern Day Cartoons - My little cousins have been over all week because my sister’s babysitting them and the cartoons that are on Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network these days are absolutely atrocious. Even more so, the shows with actual people in it are the worst. Shitty premises with even shittier actors. This generation is going to suck so much if they have these goobers on TV entertaining them. Give me Salute Your Shorts, Doug, and Hey Arnold or give me death!
Lez Crux Fridays - My buddy Lez texts me every Friday around 2:40 pm to see what’s going on for the evening. I usually don’t really know around that time and tell her that straight up. For the next 5 to 6 hours, I’m usually berated and harassed by her for not knowing what I’m doing and putting her in a position to not be ready just in case something spontaneous pops up. It’s ridiculous and sucks. Other than that, much love Lez.
The Cosmopolitan at Vegas commercial - There’s a bunch of derogatory words I can use for this commercial, but I’m not going to go that route too soon into my Tumbling rants. It completely ruins a classic song and is just so stupid and corny. (Here’s a link to the commercial if you’ve been lucky enough not to see it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Xa7cYMD-Dc). It honestly makes me not want to ever go to that hotel if they’re suggesting that people like that are regulars. To be blunt, if everyone in that commercial and having anything to do with it in any way whatsoever that approved it fell off the fake Eifel Tower in Vegas and into a giant pool of abnormally large piranhas and sharks, my reaction would be nothing short of this: http://i.imgur.com/pM8iK.gif
Comments on Youtube, etc - Whether it’s Youtube or even a news or sports site, I like to read some of the comments every now and then so see if people have similar reactions or opinions as me, and let me tell you, some of the shit I read absolutely disgusts me. Mostly the racist shit and it’s from all sides and corners too. It’s just unnecessary hate from losers hiding behind their computer screens whose success rate in a fight for backing up their words would be something along the lines of this, just not as cute: dia.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljntftWOZ21qgxenqo1_500.gif

Love

Comments on YouTube - As appalling as some of them are, others are absolutely hilarious and the main reason why I keep checking them. Here’s a sight of 25 funny YouTube comments (4, 11, 13, & 21 floored me): http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/25-youtube-comments-that-are-actually-funny
Haribo Gummi Bears - Words can’t describe. Plain and Simple.
Impractical Jokers - This show is awesome. Funny, original, and fresh. I hope it gets picked up for Season 2 because this is the type of show that has an endless amount of ideas and situations.
Spring - My birthday is in the Summer, but I love me some Spring. Spring and Fall are the best seasons without question. Especially the end of Spring going into Summer when you are sweating your tits off just yet and the beginning of Summer and end of Fall when you’re just starting to whip out the hoodies and are embracing the weather cooling down before it starts freezing tits.

Photo

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 14:24:14 -0400

Advice Corner: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 17:10:00 -0400

People, the zombie apocalypse is coming…. eventually. Actually, who honestly knows. The concept of zombies are so ridiculous yet common that we’ve seen every single type of situation with every form of zombie. Whether it’s anything by George A. Romero, the Resident Evil franchise, or The Walking Dead, there’s been so many zombie affiliated movies, shows, and books that there’s no reason for someone not to be able to survive. Of course, many of you have seen the movie ‘Zombieland’ and will abide by those rules, which like the movie are flawless. But those rules are the guidelines to go by once you’ve already survived the initial epidemic. So for those of you who are mentally incapable of running away or not understanding what a deceased person approaching you is capable of, here’s a starter kit on how to survive the impending zombie apocalypse on the first edition of Advice Corner.

Quick note: This advice is only useful for a zombie apocalypse closely resembling The Walking Dead, Zombieland, Dawn of the Dead or any of the older zombie movies. If the zombie apocalypse resembles any of the following films/tv show/etc, you’re more than likely completely fucked: Resident Evil (Government is involved. Good luck fighting them along ridiculous zombies); 28 Days Later (Yeah, you’re fucked.); I am Legend (They’re not really zombies. More like night cannibal people things. Nonetheless, if you can’t find a good place to hide at night after 12 hours of daylight, then you deserve to get eaten.)

Unless you’re at ground zero of the initial breakout, there’s no reason for you to die. There’s is absolutely NO excuse for getting bitten unless you’re at ground zero. Once the zombie apocalypse breaks out, it’s going to be all over the place. News, Radios, Facebook statuses and Tweets. Don’t be the idiot that walks down a street, sees it completely abandoned with cars turned over and fire hydrants knocked over and doesn’t think anything of it. Once the first wave of news breaks, be ready.
Zombies don’t throw punches. No zombie is going to come up to you and floor you with an upper cut or roundhouse kick. They’re uncoordinated and dumbasses. Just think of them as sloppy guys/girls at a bar that are all over you with the drunk hunch. If it’s one on one, a quick crack to the face is good and be out. Any more and move, move, move. PS. Don’t hesitate to pull a Ray Rice. A zombies limbs are like baby carrots, they snap easy. A nice juke here and there and you’ll be home free. Just don’t go Tim Hightower-ing it and try to be all fancy only to end up 10 yards back from where you started with 5 zombies chomping on your thighs.
Get a car. Not a convertible. A car. Just because money has lost it’s value doesn’t mean you should be balling out in a Bentley convertible. Protect yourself people!
Get guns.. and get lots of them. BUT REMEMBER, they’re always a last resort. Zombies are attracted to noise and it’d be pretty stupid to shoot one when you can just easily beat it to death with a bat. Quick kill weapons like bats, hammers, pipes, etc. are the way to go for quick and close combat. And if you wanna make up for the balling out you sacrificed by choosing to drive around a Toyota Camry instead of a Bentley, find a sword. You’ll fill that chub right back up.
Head shots, heads shots, head shots! I can’t stress this enough. Do not waste your energy on shots or blows to any other part of the body. These are dead people, people! As in they’re already dead. As in a shot to the stomach is not going to make them bleed out.
Don’t be a Steve Glandsberg. Hit up your family and friends and meet up if possible. The more people you have, the better protected you’ll be.
Help people, but remember to help yourself. Don’t allow every straggling person you find along the road into your survival group, especially if they have some suspicious wounds. The last thing you want is for the person you picked up turning into a zombie sitting shotgun in your car.
But remember, the zombie apocalypse always boost sexual appeal. Wendy Peffercorn may not have thought you were hot back in high school, but if the only guys in your group are you and Sal, the old Italian guy you rescued from the bathroom at the Getty station down the street, you’ll be a regular Gosling to her in no time.
Find a Costco, Wal-Mart, BJ’s, etc. Department stores are built like warehouses meaning there are hardly windows and entrances are rare and gated off. Plus they’re stocked with food and other useful supplies. These are ideal places to make a base camp and scour the area for more survivors.
Finally, and most morally important, do not let irrational behaviors and reactions of your every day life carry on into the apocalypse. If your friend called you a bitch or someone owes you $20 bucks, let it go. Don’t hold an underlying grudge against someone and make them go get firewood themselves because chances are that’s the last time you’ll see them.

Live by these rules and the chances are you’ll survive the first wave of the zombie outbreak. If not, then I’ll be sure to put your soulless body to rest once you’re infected and come after me. It’s the least I can do.

Kate Upton as Peter Cottontail

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 15:34:46 -0400

Kate Upton as Peter Cottontail

Adam Sandler, what have you become?

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:54:44 -0400

It’s not like the question isn’t warranted. Not so long ago, Adam Sandler was one of the bright spots in comedy and one of the highest paid actors in the process. His films were random, raunchy, and hilarious. Today, people still regard Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and The Waterboy to be some of their favorite and funniest movies they’ve seen.

About 14 years after The Waterboy hit theaters, only one thing has changed: Adam Sandler is no longer a consistent bright spot in theatrical comedy. Oh he’s still one of the highest paid actors, but the quality of his movies lately are complete and utter and shit. Let’s take a look at movies that he has starred in since ‘The Waterboy’ came out in 1998:

Big Daddy - All right this isn’t a bad movie at all, but I don’t really see it as much of a comedy either. It’s just a good entertaining movie with funny interactions between Sandler and the twins who play Julian/Frankenstein (who by the way, absolutely suck right now).
Little Nicky - Awful, awful movie. Quotable, yes. Memorable parts, of course. But this is where shit starts getting bad.
Mr Deeds - Not a funny movie and not a good movie. It’s just a movie. I think this is the point where Adam Sandler stopped specifically being funny in movies and the only noteworthy moments were compliments of supporting characters.
Anger Management - So disappointing. It had so much potential. I can honestly say Jack Nicholson is 100 times funnier in The Departed than this. Only bright spots are the “Anger Allies” led by John Turturro. Plus Marisa Tomei is such a biddy in this one.
50 First Dates - Poop. So bad. And I hate Drew Barrymore (Though the Wedding Singer is hilarious)
Longest Yard - Another movie where the cast is funnier than Sandler, and they’re not even that funny.
Click - How is this movie supposed to be funny?
You Don’t Mess With the Zohan - What the fuck were you thinking, Adam? Seriously?
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry - A movie that tries absolutely too much to be something it’s not. (Winner of that award: See Mel Gibson’s New England accent in ‘Edge of Darkness’)
Funny People - Hilarious, smart, and a great comedic and modern day adaptation of ‘The Great Gatsby’…………all thanks to Judd Apatow. Many people don’t like Funny People, but those people often love the last 4 movies listed above. Who would you side with?
Grown Ups - The epitome of what Adam Sandler has become. (Explained soon)
Just Go With It/Jack & Jill - (See answer for You Don’t Mess with the Zohan)

It’s honestly sad that an actor I once idolized and was obsessed with when I was a kid just pisses me off now. It’s plainly obvious that Sandler doesn’t particularly care about the comedic quality of his films anymore just as long as he’s making money off them. ‘Grown Ups’ is the perfect example. It’s a kids movie packaged with tolerable adult actors. Adult comedic actors who were once loved and actually funny during the mid to late 90s. And as much as these movies suck, they’re ingenious at the same time. Why wouldn’t Sandler market his films towards young children, especially knowing that a lot of his fan base from back then are now adults with children? And if you’re a parent and have to watch a kid’s film that isn’t a Pixar or animated one, wouldn’t a kid’s film from an actor you were formerly a fan of be the go to decision?

The closest we’ll get to the old Adam is if he ever teams up with Apatow again. Other than that, expect the same Sandler shambles to keep coming out under his ‘Happy Madison’ production company. ‘Grown Ups 2’ has already been announced and I just recently saw a preview for a new film starring him and Andy Sandberg, a funny parody rapper… at most (I’d rather castrate myself with the help of Michael Strahan’s teeth than see ‘That’s My Boy’). So Adam, we know “You Can Do it!”, just please don’t anymore.

The Lake Bell Dilemma

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 16:44:06 -0400

For those of you who haven’t caught on, I’m a guy. 90% of my conversations involve the opposite sex in one sense or another. Whether it’s critiquing them or just flat out exclaiming things I’d like to do to them, no woman (famous, ordinary, or muggle) are exempt. So begins the ‘The Lake Bell Dilemma’.

My buddies Sasso (who used to go by Ron) and White Sinbad absolutely LOVE Lake Bell. If you’re not familiar with her work, she was the female lead in HBO’s recently canceled “How To Make It In America” (Thank god!) as well as having supporting roles in some pretty shit movies like “What Happens in Vegas” and “No Strings Attached”. By the standards of what a good actress is, she’s not a very good one. But, that isn’t their argument. They think she’s hot. A biddy and a half, to say the least. And by the standards of what a good looking woman is, they think there’s something about her that makes her sexy and attractive.

My problem: I don’t see it all. Not that Sasso and White Sinbad are saying she’s worthy of their top 5, but they still thing she’s eligible to go to poundtown over plenty of other candidates I brought up. (For example, I said Zooey Deschannel and they chose Lake Bell. I then proceeded to throw up all over them). There’s something about Bell that just rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it’s her unfeminine voice or her John Malkovich hands (See pic above), but I just can’t say that she’s hot. She does have a nice body, Ill give her that. And any actress who is down to flash the warlocks every now and then is okay in my book. I wondered if my outlook was out of whack, when I finally had a breakthrough: My friends and I had to be talking about two different scales. It’s the only way it all made sense. With all that said, I’ve concluded that Lake Bell is IN FACT hot, very hot… on a scale of woman who could possibly be transvestites.

The King of Queens

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 18:37:00 -0400

Arthur Spooner: Did I ever tell you I used to play for the Oneonta Red Dragons?
Doug Heffernan: Last night and this morning.
Arthur Spooner: The other players nicknamed me "Crazy Legs" Spooner. Prior to that, I was known simply as "Legs" Spooner.

Back Off, Bay.... BACK OFF!!!

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 16:42:00 -0400

Michael Bay, what is your problem? No seriously, I want to know what your fucking problem is. WHAT’S YOUR DEAL, BAY?!? Confused much? All right, I’ll just get right into it then.

My buddy Bob McHuggins, being the nice guy that he is, sent me a text the other day informing me that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was on HBO. As expected, I somersaulted over the back of my couch, grabbed the remote, and tuned in for some turtle power. I don’t know about of you, but TMNT was a hugeeeeee (insert Billy Fuccillo voice) part of my childhood. I loved all the movies, yes even the one where they’re in Japan and the British guys are being all imperialistic and shit, and had them all on VHS. My mom even tells stories of me trying to climb into a sewer when I was 4 just because I wanted to chill with them. I was a Leonardo guy all the way. Nothing was cooler that just watching them eat pizza, kick ass, and chill with that biddy April O’Neil. Not to mention Master Splinter, only the most wise, agile, oldest rat that has ever graced New York City’s sewage systems.

But, something didn’t feel right. Something was lingering in the back of my head and when I remembered what it was, my happiness subsided. I read a couple of weeks earlier that a remake was in the works and none other than Michael Bay was at the helm of this project. For those of you who don’t know him by name, Bay is a director who specializes in making shit movies that consist of an exaggerated amount of explosions. I’ll give him Bad Boys because if you don’t like anything that Will Smith is in not named Wild Wild West or Hancock, then there’s something wrong with you. Armageddon was all right, but Deep Impact was that much better. And, The Rock…. well, The Rock is The Rock and one can only put up with Nicolas Cage as an action star for oh so long. Not to mention, Sean Connery’s smug ass. If you’re trying to convince me that Sean Connery, not ‘Bond’ Sean Connnery, but senior citizen four years before “You the man now, dog” ’Finding Forrester’ Sean Connery, can take on a bunch of America’s finest trained military men in their prime and still put up with Cage’s camaraderie, then you, whoever you may be, are a grade A idiot and douche bag.

Bay taking the helm of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise is erroneous… erroneous on all counts! Production hasn’t even begun yet and he’s already dissecting the origins and details that made us love the turtle foursome. According to Bay’s “image”, they won’t be ‘Teenage Mutant’, just ‘Ninja Turtles’ and they’ll be from an alien planet, not born in the sewers compliments of that green ooze that Nickelodeon loves to dump all over willing children. He already ruined a childhood iconic franchise in Transformers, easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen until I saw a bit of the sequel (definitely not watching the third), and he’s bound to ruin TMNT. The worst part about this all is that it’s inevitable. It’s out of any rational thinking person’s hands. All we can do is sit back and watch the massacre happen. And when it does, never will I be able to yell “Cowabunga” with pride. Never will I be able to take advice from a rat with a serious face. And, never will I be able to dance to Vanilla Ice’s ‘Ninja Rap’ knowing that Michael Bay will more than likely get Justin Beiber to do a remix to it in the new franchise.

So Michael Bay, I say this: You’ve destroyed Transformers with Shia LaBeouf (thought he’s the fucking tits in A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints) and you’ve hijacked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which will likely be the equivalent to a car bomb on a bus headed for an elementary school, but if you even get anywhere close to Power Rangers, I’ll shank you.

Don’t know this dude, but he goes on a rant about the most...

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 15:11:27 -0400

Don’t know this dude, but he goes on a rant about the most racist thing that has ever happened to him in his life. One of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard.

Here’s a clip from the show “Impractical...

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 16:39:00 -0400

Here’s a clip from the show “Impractical Jokers” on TruTV. Honestly, this clip is responsible for one of the hardest times I’ve laughed while watching tv.

The Rules to Creating a Top 5: Celebrity Edition

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 15:53:00 -0400

My buddy Sasso (used to be called Ron) and I were hanging out, shooting the shit and whatnot, when the conversation turned to Top 5 lists. In our ‘High Fidelity’ moment, we started talking about our top 5 celebrities and he started his off with Kate Upton. I immediately stopped him and had to go over the rules of the top 5 which vary according to whatever the content of the list may be. (For example, there’s a HUGE difference between someone’s Top 5 favorite movies and their Top 5 best movies ever. The first list should consist of movies you can watch all the time whenever you want with no hesitation. The second would solely be based on quality and impact).

In regards to celebrities, it’s more of why you have a thing for rather than who is obviously the hottest. If that weren’t the case, everyone’s list would consist of Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, etc. Kate Upton is the epitome of a smokeshow. I don’t think there’s a guy with male genitalia in the world who wouldn’t want to dabble with those village feeders. Since she’s all over the place right now, I gave him that. However, I made it clear that his list should be far from generic and each pick justified. Without further ado, here are the rules that one should abide by when making their top 5 celebrity list:

No specific order is necessary
Justifications are yours and yours alone. Don’t change your list because someone flips a shit about a certain person on it.
Age is just a number (This one goes out to my buddy Chaz Bono who loves Dakota Fanning)
Lastly, and probably the most important rule is The Kirsten Dunst Rule. Don’t choose someone because of a specific year, movie, photo shoot etc.

My Top 5

Jennifer Lawrence
Carrie Underwood
Evangeline Lilly
Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Nicky Whelan

Funny Cover Letter

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 18:08:00 -0400

A few months ago I was riding the unemployment train hard. My mom, who works for a healthcare provider for the elderly, insisted that I write a cover letter to go along with my resume so she could distribute it throughout her company’s different departments. I didn’t see myself having any sort of career with her company or in healthcare whatsoever, so I wrote a cover letter for fun thinking that she would read it and just give it back to me and tell me to write something more appropriate. Little did I know that she was running late that morning, had no time to read it, and handed it out all over her company. She wasn’t too pleased once she got around to going over it. Here it is:

I do not know personally who you are, but I am sure I know what you want. If you are looking to just fill a void, I can tell you that subtlety is not what I have. What I do have, however, are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired, obtained, and polished throughout my 23 years of existence. Skills that make me a nightmare for rival companies and businesses that do not have an asset like me working for them.

I recently graduated in May 2011 from the University at Albany with a B.A. in English (along with a minor focus in Journalism). I am well-spoken, written, and mannered. Effort is my middle name; persistence is my Confirmation name; and commitment is the name written on my family crest. You’ll find an endless amount of creativity within me and when I speak my mind and give input on any subject, a forceful breeze of fresh air fills the room. My organization skills rival the Library of Congress’ and my versatility as well as multi-tasking abilities are said to mirror those of Leonardo Da Vinci’s.

There is nothing impetuous about my style. If anything, my moral and ethical behavior is impregnable, contagious, to say the least. Hiring me to work for you is exactly what I would be doing: work. I cannot fathom the idea or act of being employed by someone and my productivity being anywhere close to satisfactory. If you are paying and relying on me to perform certain tasks, there’s no doubt that they will be accomplished promptly and adequately. It is not my goal to exceed expectations, but to surpass them to astonishing levels whether it be individually or as part of a group. Whatever it may be, I am at your service.

I can sit here and toot my horn all day, but if I wanted to be a train conductor, trust me, I’d already be one. If you give me the opportunity to prove to you that all my claims and promises are legitimate, I assure to you that you will not be disappointed. As much as I want to be a product of your environment, when all is said and done your environment will be a product of me. Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Your Humble Narrator

Bears Waving (Try and not smile... I dare you.)

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 17:55:00 -0400

Bears Waving (Try and not smile... I dare you.):

My friend Jmurr DeHumo thought a clip I showed him of a bear waving was fake. Hopefully these 9 other bears prove him wrong.

And so it begins...

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 17:53:00 -0400

Here’s the deal: I’m loud, obnoxious, narcissistic and highly opinionated. That’s pretty much it. Now, as the world renowned Johnny Cage says, “Let’s dance.”